Timing…why then?

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up in trees

We were boyfriend and girlfriend in junior high.  Despite our age we became very close emotionally.  Both only children and recently seeing our parents divorce, we had much to share.

In high school, we didn’t date.  It was because he was too “wild” and I was too straight-laced.  One of those wild things was that he drank alcohol.  I didn’t.  Despite our lack of communication, we maintained an unspoken emotional connection.  After 4 years of high school and 4 years of college, we reunited and it seemed like we never skipped a beat emotionally.  He was ready to be “saved” from the party life and settle, and that sounded very nice to me.

Despite me being an extrovert and him being an introvert, our relationship seemed to work.  He was my best friend.  We never argued.  We trusted each other completely. After 10 years of marriage, we had a child.  While things weren’t perfect, they were more good than bad.

In the last five years of our marriage, things became more bad than good.  I felt us growing apart even though we had grown up together.  While he was still my best friend, I wasn’t sure if there was more than that.  Of the four pillars key to a relationship: physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental;  there was really only an emotional connection.

The fact that there was never a spiritual connection grew more troubling over time.  He seemed to become less and less spiritual every year.  I grew up attending church weekly, and I had continued to do that without him.  For many years, my spirituality had been unfortunately, a habit of activities and not much of a relationship with God.  However, I had started growing in my faith.  It felt wonderful.  I was feeling compelled to do the Lord’s work through some type of service.  I began reading daily reflections and passages, and sometimes they felt as though they were written for me.

We had spent almost 20 years in the same home, which was very simple, but space was limited.  As his dependence on alcohol increased, I had no choice but to watch it because we had only one common area in our house  So, if the three of us were home, we would spend evenings in the same room while he drank (under cover), as it was in a glass mixed with something.  It was silently painful.  And I knew it wouldn’t be long until our daughter became aware of the reality.

Easy answer?  Buy a bigger house.  I know…sounds stupid, but we did it.  He didn’t like some things about our house, and I wanted different space.  So, we moved a couple miles away into a much bigger house with little maintenance.  I didn’t have to watch him drink.  We had a living room and a family room, but the very odd thing is that our master bedroom became his cave.  He did nearly everything there.  Watched TV, ate meals, drank.  He truly began isolating without even realizing it.  Every so often he would surface and speak a sentence or two.  The only positive outcome was that my daughter didn’t have to watch her father drink and realize it.

During those last five years of my marriage, my father battled cancer.  I spent as much time with him as I could, as I was his only child and he didn’t have a significant other.  I was his world and I knew it.  My husband was supportive of the time I spent with my dad and I was grateful for that.  My dad’s care, along with my daughter’s upbringing became my highest personal priorities.  Because my dad’s only wish was to spend his final months and days in his home, I was determined to do everything to make that happen.  It was both challenging and rewarding.

My dad passed away on my daughter’s birthday.  Shortly after he was gone, I had no choice but to focus on my life, which included my marriage.  I told my husband that I was going to start counseling.  He realized I was not happy, and so it began.

 

 

 

 

Who knew

Nobody.  Nobody knew that my husband was an alcoholic.  For years, I disliked how frequently he drank.  For years he had control of it.  For years after he lost control, he didn’t know/realize that he had lost control.

He was a high functioning alcoholic.  He never had any performance issues at work, and was always well thought of in the work place.

We didn’t attend social functions frequently or go to events where he would have been seen in any type of drunken state.

When we did gather with friends and have some drinks, he was a mild mannered drinker.  Never showing obnoxious behavior that looked “alcoholic.”

His parents knew that he drank regularly.  They also knew I thought it was too much.  His mom, who would buy him some unique beer each Christmas, stopped doing that out of respect for me.  But they didn’t know the extent of it.

He was always an introverted person, so the increased desire to isolate was not the indicator that it could have been if we had been more active socially.

We honestly appeared to be a happy little family to those around us. We all had smiles in the family photos posted on social media.   As is frequently said, “you never know what goes on behind closed doors.”

 

 

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Early Indictors

Nobody knows at what point a person changes from a social drinker to an alcoholic. Most alcoholics can’t determine this for themselves, let alone a spouse trying to determine it for their partner. It is the time when the alcoholic no longer has control of the ability to stop drinking. When the alcoholic personally starts to question it, he may actually scale back or drink a lighter alcohol for a while which then convinces him that he is still in control.

A spouse without knowledge of alcoholism is certainly going to think the same. They can “rationalize things” by: he only drinks beer, he never misses work, he never gets violent, he didn’t drink when he had the flu, he needs it to calm his nerves, etc., etc., etc.

Since I’ve been down this road, I can look back at all the excuses that I made, without even realizing that I was making them. My lack of knowledge on the subject contributed to my unknowing contribution to the illness.

Had I known then what I know now, there would have been a few times early on that I would have made a firmer stance. For example, at only a year or two into our marriage, I remember realizing that my husband was drinking beers on his way home from work. It was a 35 minute drive so he could have 1 or 2 without me realizing it. When I did find out, he said he only did it occasionally. I thought that was true and didn’t make a fuss. In reality, he likely just did a better job discarding the evidence.

Another regret I have was tied to his use of alcohol on vacations. I remember asking him if he could just go one day without drinking while we were on a vacation. He responded “no, it’s my vacation and I’m going to do what I enjoy on vacation.” I clearly should not have accepted that, but I did, again unintentionally contributing to the disease progression and my own unhappiness.

I certainly wish I would have been more aware of alcoholism and how it shows itself. Maybe I would have intervened. Regardless, I know that it wouldn’t have been me that stopped the progression of the illness. Only the alcoholic himself can stop it, and he has to want to stop it. In most cases, he has to reach a really, really low point to want to stop. Could I have stopped the progress? No. No, I can’t, nor can you.

If I had intervened sooner, it simply would have allowed me to find peace sooner.

 

 

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The Journey Begins

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Thanks for joining me!

Through my own unintentional experience, healing, and reflection, I have come to the point of starting this blog.

In 2018, after 23 years of marriage, I asked for a dissolution.  I never wanted it to come to that.  My husband was an alcoholic.  Neither of us know how it came to be.  At what point did he lose control of his ability to stop?

We tried everything.  Counseling, clergy support, detox, rehab…..all failed.

I went to Al-Anon meetings.  I found them to be highly supportive, confidential, and educational groups. But I didn’t find anyone who thought  like me.  We had gone to counseling too late and I had already detached.

My perception of Al-Anon was that the spouses in the group believed in finding ways to save the marriage to the alcoholic.  Many pledged that attending Al Anon and working on themselves instead of trying to fix the alcoholic was the secret to the success.  I admired them for their commitment.  They are wonderful people.  Many of them found their own peace and way to “be happy” while being married.  I didn’t find any that were actually “happily married”, though, unless their spouse got sober and stayed sober.

Over the last several years, I have learned a tremendous amount about the social and behavioral reality of alcoholics, both active and recovered.  I’ve learned, and I am still learning, the personal results of being in a relationship with one.  My spouse built a bubble around himself and I unintentionally became a part of that bubble.

This blog is dedicated to my journey of bursting out of that bubble, and finding peace, happiness, and self direction all while preparing for the challenges ahead.  If you have been in a relationship with an alcoholic or are in one currently, I hope you’ll continue to visit this blog so we can learn, support, challenge and praise each other.

If you do not have a support person in your life, I encourage you to look beyond this blog.  There are many resources in your community.  Al-Anon is a great place to start.  Or simply confide in a friend.  All of us need multiple support options.