That particular visit to see my husband in rehab was one that I won’t ever forget.
He was a completely different person. He had been humbled. His soul was desperate for love, support, rebirth, and warmth. He wanted to be as close to me as he could. He wanted to shower me with affection. He wanted physical embraces. He wanted to tell me how wonderful, beautiful, and spectacular I was.
I was cautious, but I’m thinking I may have been different than most spouses in this situation. I mean….isn’t this the person we have been waiting for and wanting? He was apologizing and talking enthusiastically about our first date after he was discharged. In my mind, I was thinking that it was too good to be true and that it was temporary. I had detached in such a weird way. When he told me a month prior that he was going to admit himself, I was grateful for his desire to get well, but I wasn’t sure he was doing it for the right reasons. From all that I had learned, he needed to be doing it for himself, and I felt like he was doing it for me and our marriage.
Torn. So torn. He shed many tears that day and so did I. It was an intense emotional situation, from all that he had gone through in those prior days. Honestly, it was likely stemming from all we had both gone through for so long.
He sensed my hesitation. He said, “do you love me?”
My mind flashed back to a conversation we had had a few weeks prior in our bedroom. I had told him that no matter how hard it may be, that I was going to be completely honest with my feelings. And so there I was……being asked a question I needed to answer.
“I love you, but I am not in love with you.” That was my honest answer.
I don’t know if it was the right thing to say or not, but it was the truth. And with that, I cried more.
And I cry now just typing it.