Author: burstingout2018

Bursting out of my life bubble

He says she’s his highest priority but he’s not walking the talk

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My former spouse and I had one child, a very beautiful, smart, witty and caring young lady.  We are so blessed to have her.  She is currently a freshman in high school.

When I first started speaking to my ex about dissolution, he just felt like it would crush her.  His own parent’s divorce took a toll on him, so he felt adamant that she would struggle similarly.  I have not found that to be the case.  She seems to have blossomed with a sense of freedom and relief.

Unfortunately, she does not look forward to time with her dad.  While she loves him, she is in a typical 14 year old mind set and he is still drinking.  As a result, he is still self-centered and isolated.  In addition, he is holding steady at the maturity level he was when he first started drinking…..and so she often thinks she is more mature than him.

Early after our divorce, he just spent money.  Likely, he felt possessions would make him happy.  She watched that and just shook her head.  Perhaps if he would have bought something for her, he would have simmered her down a little, but he didn’t give much thought to that.

Just three months after our dissolution, he starts dating a lady he met online.  After just a few short weeks,  he wants to introduce her to our daughter.  I talk him out of it, thank goodness.   After seeing her pictures on Facebook, I knew my daughter would not be pleased.  She and I both are somewhat conservative, and the new girlfriend looked like she had quite a wild side.  I remember telling my ex that he should suggest to the new girlfriend that she make her profile private instead of public, and he didn’t see anything wrong with her page.

Fast forward a couple months and the girlfriend gets “crazy,” so they split ways.  Ironically, my daughter shared “well she had self divulged that she was crazy, I guess it took him a while to figure it out.”   After the fact, the ex admits that he must have been blinded by the need for physical activity.  She was an alcoholic too, not surprising.  I’m sure they had great fun.  Too bad there were nights when he cancelled out on his time with our daughter because of the girlfriend.  It’s a shame that my daughter realized it….and then over time became grateful for the cancellations.

After girlfriend #1, it doesn’t take long for girlfriend #2.  They had been dating about a month, and our daughter was getting ready for her first Homecoming Dance.  The ex asks me if his new girlfriend can be there for pictures.  I suggested that he ask our daughter.  Our daughter thinks that there is no sensible woman in the world that is gonna meet her for the first time with the ex-wife and ex in-laws present, so she tells her dad “I don’t care.”  Even I think there is no way that she would want to be there even if he doesn’t realize its a stupid idea.   Guess what?  She’s there at pictures.  It should have been a great occasion for my daughter.  It was her night.  It should have been about her…… yet he continues to say that our daughter is his highest priority.

Recently, when he comes to pick her up for one of his days, he tells me that our daughter isn’t real excited to spend the day with him and his girlfriend.  I take the opportunity to tell him:  “she isn’t real comfortable with us dating yet.”  And he says……..wanna guess?……it’s certainly not empathetic…..he says “well I am.”

I recognize that parents should not let their kids make decisions for them.  It’s a fine line I walk in sensitive times.  Here is what I don’t understand:  If his time with our daughter is limited, why can’t he just spend time with her alone?  Or if it is just the two of them, why doesn’t he plan an activity instead of napping or watching something on TV that he wants to watch?

And then I answer myself…he’s an alcoholic.  I can’t change him.  He can’t get out of his own head the “how and where” the next drink will get taken.  He remains on a mission for his own happiness and without the ability to put himself in anyone else’s shoes.  No lie!  One time I asked him what it would feel like to be in her shoes and he honestly couldn’t figure it out or understand what I meant.

So, he knows that single dads should make their kids a high priority.  He knows that’s the right thing to say.  He probably even wants to do that, but he has no idea what it means or how to think of anyone other than himself first.  To those that try to give him honest feedback or suggestions, he finds resentment.  It’s very sad.  I still pray for his recovery so that she can have a relationship someday with her dad that feels “normal.”

 

When you need to complain, who do you complain to?

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If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 100 times…….”only vent up.”  In the business world, I taught many leadership courses and mentored developing managers.  This is one of the rules for professionalism that I learned early and did my best to follow personally, as well as to teach it to others.  After all, nobody likes to overhear those water cooler bitching sessions about new policies, other employees, or even management.  If you do like to hear them or get involved in them, reassess your situation.  You might be a negative ninja.

This week, I started to think about “venting” in the personal environment and if similar rules apply.

When I was married to the isolated alcoholic, his venting came only to me, and most of mine (if it was personal) went to him.  Wow….does that help or hurt a relationship?  I can certainly understand that the last thing anyone wants to hear is a bunch of bitching all the time.  My alcoholic didn’t share frequently, but I know I certainly pointed out his negativity to him on more than one occasion.  Should I have?  Or did he need to get it out, and I was the only person who could hear it?

Without realizing, it seems that I have transferred my “vents” to my mother.  I wonder if instinctually, I’m following that rule about venting up?  Is a parent in a personal life like a boss in a professional life?  I’m not sure I have an answer, but I have come to understand that nobody, whether it be your boss or your mom, wants to hear it.  The exception in my mind is that already negative/bitter people may enjoy someone commiserating with them.  Hmmm….  Either way, it really doesn’t do any good.  Rather, just a waste of time and negative energy.

Honestly, I thought I was doing well at being positive despite the craziness of my life the last 12 months.  I have vowed not to ever speak poorly about my ex husband to my daughter, or even in a place where she can hear it.  So far, I think I’ve achieved that goal, which is really important to me.  As a child of divorced parents, it hurt me deeply if I heard anything like this (even if warranted),  I don’t want to inflict that on my child.

What I have witnessed in Al-Anon, is that the majority of members are willing to hear the vents of other members without judgement and also while trying to support them.  The organization and it’s members are important in the healing process for anyone who loves or loved an alcoholic.  The twelve steps, if coached and followed, should help a person to find their own shortcomings and also have less to vent about.  Luckily, Al-Anon meetings are inclusive of people who need to vent as well as others who can listen and help redirect.

If there is somebody negative in your life, do you tend to be more negative when you are around them? Do they bring you down or do you challenge them to find positive alternative solutions?  I think it’s possible to do both, depending on the person or situation.

I can’t say I am offering solutions in this blog, but I hope through my own reflection sharing,  I have encouraged any of you to reflect on the same.  For myself, I’ve decided I might need to give more to God instead of others in my life.  I’ll be more cautious about what I vocalize.  God is willing to listen and take it all.  Our family members, who are close to us, don’t deserve the worst of us.

 

 

Who gets to park in the garage? The answer should have been my wake up call years ago.

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It came down to this:

Me:  “I am pulling in the garage when I get home.”

Him:  “Bikes are there.”

Me: “Move please.”

Him:  “Fuck you.”

It was the evening of July 3rd.  My daughter and I were watching fireworks in our local town.  He had been moving out for a week or two and was nearly finished.  I had refinanced the house and given him his share of the equity.

I won’t share the rest of the text conversation, but I can tell you that it was the first night that I told my daughter that I didn’t feel comfortable staying in the same house as her dad.  Not only was he drunk and angry, but he slept with a loaded gun right beside his bed.  I didn’t share the details with my daughter, but she was emotionally distraught.  She knew there must be a good reason for my decision, but she also feared for her father’s own safety if we didn’t go home.  Without it being discussed over the last few months, she seemed to know his emotions brought him down to suicidal possibilities.

For the most part, I’ve been able to put the ugly times out of my memory, but I can’t seem to shake the events of that evening.  I was so torn on who and what to protect, and whether or not the police should be involved.  If I took that step, our bubbled life would have been completely exposed.  I don’t know if I made the right decision, but we all got lucky.  Nobody got hurt that night and the bubble didn’t break.

Because I can’t shake it, that damn garage argument has become symbolic of much of my marriage.

When we first got married, we lived in a house with a one car garage.  Guess who parked in the garage?  (wasn’t me).  Guess who had to clean snow off their car before going to work many mornings ? (yep, me.)  At the time, I chalked it up to his quirkiness about having really clean vehicles.  It was not a battle I cared to fight.  Looking back, I bet many people, including my father, thought “he’s an asshole making his wife park outside.”  I never saw it from that perspective at the time.

In our second home, I got a place to park inside, and we lived there twenty years, so the garage dilemma was irrelevant, but it was under the surface….just waiting.

In our last home, we had a two car attached garage AND a two car detached garage.  Lots of space.  No worries, right?  Hmmm…..

I got one space.  It was in the detached garage. When it was raining, I got wet going to my car.  When it was snowing and icy, I tried not to land on my butt getting to my car.

The attached garage was almost like a room in the home.  It was a showplace for his motorcycles.

Over the next three years, the last three of our marriage, it definitely became a sore spot.  My father had passed, and there wasn’t “room” for his 4-wheeler at our place.  The true self centered nature of alcoholism was raging in our garage space.

So, on July 3rd, when we had already been to court and he had 90% of his stuff out of the house, I said I was parking where I wanted to, and all hell broke out.  Crazy.  And sad.  Sad that physical “space” and physical “stuff” were his primary concern for most of our marriage.  So many things I can look back on and be more aware of now.

Guess what?  My daughter and I decided to leave that last house behind us.  We bought a new place.  It DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A GARAGE!  Lol.  But we had one built with a nice little enclosed breezeway, so that we can walk safely to our vehicles each morning.

 

 

 

 

Change, the risk of better things

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“I built my house in the 1970’s” and we have never had water stand there like that before….ever!”

That was my neighbor’s response when I asked him if he was going to start ice skating in his yard (see picture).

It is SO SO appropriate that my first winter in my first house as a single person is the one that rings all kinds of newness to the neighborhood.  God just keeps making me smile.

When I asked my daughter if she wanted to stay in the house that we had been in as a family or sell it, simplify, and make memories, that wonderful kid of mine said “lets make memories!”  So we are.  From the small ones, like gliding on ice around the neighbors yard, to the large ones, like traveling around the country for her sport, we are spending quality time together.  We LOVE it.

This is all possible by embracing change. I KNOW what you’re thinking….for many of us, change is so challenging. The changes my daughter made over the last year were significant in number and scope, and I couldn’t be more proud of her for holding her head high and taking risks. I know that she worried about all the things that she would lose by the changes we were making, but I think God helped dilute those thoughts by overpowering dreams of what she could gain.
That’s the facts of change. It really boils down to that. It’s a risk and with risk, you stand to lose some things. On the other side of the coin, you can gain as much or more. We can’t ever convince anyone else to change. What we can do is be role models for change.

Not long ago, I stumbled on an old article called Good Grief which was written by Glennon Doyle Melton and published in “Oprah” magazine in 2017. In much of the article she spoke about parenting kids through challenges and the fear that they have about change. She mentioned advice from a friend who had suggested when people are afraid of turbulence on an airplane, that they all look at the stewardess. If the stewardess looks calm, the passengers feel assured. So, our kids will look at us when they are afraid, and we need to look calm, and just keep “passing out the peanuts” like the stewardess does.

As a person who has gone through significant change recently, I can say that it happened because I finally made the decision that it needed to.  I realized that the benefits of change would outweigh the losses that I faced.  And they already have!  I’m gonna keep passing out the peanuts and I am going to do it with a smile and with great thanks to God.

Being grateful leads to positivity.  I could have looked at all the water in my neighbor’s yard that was creeping my way with dismay.  Instead, my work Al-Anon brain kicked in and I chose the glass half full,  and as a place to ice skate.

 

Don’t stay for the kids, from the kid

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My daughter and I were both in her room one day, doing nothing in particular.  We were chatting about her friends at school.  One particular friend, Dee, had parents who had gotten divorced in the prior six months.

My daughter , “didn’t you say that Dee’s mom only stayed as long as she did for the kids?”

I responded, “yes, she told me that.”

My daughter, “I would never want you and daddy to stay together just because of me.”

Words from a twelve year old that certainly caught me by surprise.  Prior to this, it had never been mentioned as a possibility in our house.  Her dad and I never fought, and I don’t think she knew I had begun to wonder if it was the only answer.

She seemed so wise, and then two minutes later, went ahead and expressed a typical twelve year old reason…….”I mean…..I would get two sets of birthday presents and two sets of Christmas presents….,”  as she smirked.

In hindsight, I still think she was very wise, and she may have seen me start spinning in my mind.  Her emotional intelligence is quite high.  She probably wanted to pull me back off of the road my mind started down.

No kids wants to hear their parents are getting a divorce, but at least mine was able to discuss it in a way that gave me peace.

 

Grateful

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Despite the tough road….the uphill climb with lots of thorn bushes along the way, I am grateful.  Our culture tends to hear the D word (divorce) and instantly think “that’s so sad.”  While I never wanted my marriage to end, it is simply a life event.  Nobody died.  Actually, we are finding ways to live in a happier way, and for that, I am grateful.

My ex husband didn’t want the divorce.  He begged and pleaded, and faced many depressed and horribly stressful days.  Even with that, it did not take him to a low enough point to stop drinking for himself.  I am grateful that he made it through the storm of depression.  He continues to be a high functioning alcoholic that wants to quit but doesn’t need to badly enough.

More than anything, I am grateful for how my daughter has blossomed.  Even though we moved and she started a new school, she is happier and healthier than ever.  She has regular visitation with her dad, and she lives with me.  She resides in a home with no underlying stress, concern, or worry.  She doesn’t walk on egg shells.  She is free to express her emotions, including crying when she needs to.  She used to have a tremendous amount of anxiety, and that has reduced significantly.  Thank you God.  This is even more than I hoped for in my decision to end the marriage.

God blessed me with the ability to let go of resentment, and the friends in Al-Anon are great at reminding me how important that is.  I am so fortunate not to have lingering hatred in my heart for my ex husband.  While I still dislike his selfishness, isolation, and immaturity, I can rationalize that as part of the disease.  Being able to do that, and not relive awful moments of the past gives me so much freedom.  I’m happy.  I don’t think I could be happy if God hadn’t let me release resentment.  In addition, I don’t think I could be a good parent to my daughter if I was still carrying anger for her father and my “prior life.”  Thank you God!

I don’t have any sisters by blood, but I have a blessed circle of beautiful women that feel like my sisters.  They have supported me, maintained my confidentiality, listened when I needed to talk, and helped me establish a new home.  I know that they love me and wish only the best for me.  There is no doubt that we will grow closer as we age.  Thank you God!

My family has been all that I could hope for and more, including my ex’s parents.  I’m so fortunate.  They don’t ask questions, but they listen when I need to talk.  They challenge my thoughts, and I need that!

It’s not all rainbows and unicorns.  If the above paragraphs make it sound that way, I didn’t mean it.  But I do like to focus on the positives.  God “winks” at me every so often and lets me know if the path I am on is still going in the right direction.  Sometimes I stray, and I get a swift mental kick from an Al-Anon reflection I read, or from a person saying something that feels like it comes from God through them.

There is like after divorce from an alcoholic.  It’s a good life.

Yes, I love you, but I’m not in Love.

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That particular visit to see my husband in rehab was one that I won’t ever forget.

He was a completely different person.  He had been humbled.  His soul was desperate for love, support, rebirth, and warmth.  He wanted to be as close to me as he could.  He wanted to shower me with affection.  He wanted physical embraces.  He wanted to tell me how wonderful, beautiful, and spectacular I was.

I was cautious, but I’m thinking I may have been different than most spouses in this situation.  I mean….isn’t this the person we have been waiting for and wanting?  He was apologizing and talking enthusiastically about our first date after he was discharged.  In my mind, I was thinking that it was too good to be true and that it was temporary.  I had detached in such a weird way.  When he told me a month prior that he was going to admit himself, I was grateful for his desire to get well, but I wasn’t sure he was doing it for the right reasons.  From all that I had learned, he needed to be doing it for himself, and I felt like he was doing it for me and our marriage.

Torn.  So torn.  He shed many tears that day and so did I.  It was an intense emotional situation, from all that he had gone through in those prior days.  Honestly, it was likely stemming from all we had both gone through for so long.

He sensed my hesitation.  He said, “do you love me?”

My mind flashed back to a conversation we had had a few weeks prior in our bedroom.  I had told him that no matter how hard it may be, that I was going to be completely honest with my feelings.   And so there I was……being asked a question I needed to answer.

“I love you, but I am not in love with you.”  That was my honest answer.

I don’t know if it was the right thing to say or not, but it was the truth.  And with that, I cried more.

And I cry now just typing it.

 

Closing a chapter

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What do you do with the wedding ring when the marriage is over?

Honestly, when I was still married, wearing it felt like part of the hostage situation that I was in.  If you haven’t heard this phrase before, being married to an alcoholic is being a hostage.  It is nearly impossible to do the right thing, let alone be yourself or be happy.  For this reason, I really wanted to be “rid of the ring.”

I asked my daughter if she wanted it or wanted to have something made from it.  She was appalled at the thought.  To her, she felt like it would be a curse on her own future marriage to even want it.

There were times when I wanted to just throw it out a car window, drop it from a tall building, or toss it in the ocean.  At 23, I couldn’t have been happier to have received it, but post divorce, it pulled to the forefront resentments that I was trying to forget.

I could just sell it…..that was a thought.  Oh, until I found out how much I would get paid for it.  That’s pathetic.  It was a jeweler that suggested using the stones for something nice for myself.  And when I first heard the suggestion, it didn’t seem like a good idea.  For some reason it didn’t sit well with me.  It really just felt like “he” or “alcoholism” would be around my neck instead of on my finger.  Strangulation came to mind…EEK!

Then it hit me…….my diamond wanted to burst out of that ring cage just as much as I needed to burst out, and no longer be hostage.  So, I proceeded.  And now I have a beautiful necklace that I can wear as a symbol of freedom gained.

 

 

Waiting

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Waiting, How Long?

Waiting, Patience is a virtue

Waiting, Anticipation stirs

Waiting, Outcome unknown

Waiting, Requires faith

Waiting, For an answer

Waiting, Builds dreams

Waiting, Eats at you

Waiting, For a sign

Waiting, With a secret

Waiting, While I age

Waiting, Is worth it?

Waiting, Quietly unknown

Waiting., With a hope

Waiting, Without a line

Waiting, Full of fear

Waiting, Happily

Waiting, With a smile

Waiting, Near to tears

Waiting, While I sleep

Waiting, For love

Waiting and waiting and waiting

STOP

One Day…….

One Blessed Day at a time

God is good.

No harm in waiting.

Waiting.

Always connected

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The biggest blessing of my life is my child.  Because of her, her dad and I are always connected.  A reality for all parents that don’t stay united is the infinite connection to the other person.  In my case, a forever connection to an alcoholic, and although I am no longer hostage to the disease, I can’t escape.

It comes in the littlest of things….like me being always ready to pick her up when she is with him.  Even if he is suppose to transport her, I’ve made a very direct plea to never drive her if he has been drinking.  For now, I think he “gets it.”  But then sometimes I wonder what he considers drinking.  For me, its one drink.  For him, is it that or is it not feeling a buzz?

It’s also the times when she is scheduled to be with him and he prioritizes something else.  So far, that has happened with vacation recovery, drunken recovery, and dates with women from Match.com.  My daughter knows I will always place her first, even if it means cancelling my plans because of these things.  In all honesty, that’s sometimes difficult, as moms need their “escape” time too.  Regardless, I am committed to a better life for both she and I.

The newest realization for me, is that my child is still a hostage to his disease.  And if he doesn’t get sober, she will go through many of the same situations and emotions with him as I did.  So far, she has not wanted to try Alateen.  Someday she might, or maybe it will be Al-non as she ages.  For now it’s me.  I counsel on all those situations, as she seems to share most everything with me.

Her dad and I agreed when we spoke to her about our dissolution, that we would never say anything bad to her about the other parent.  We never wanted her to feel that pain that we felt from our divorced parents as kids.  When his actions inadvertently hurt her, that is SO HARD.  Instead, I bite my tongue and try to explain how it was the disease working within his mind and body that caused the problem, and not the person that he really wants to be.

Most recently, I showed her a list of the signs of alcohol withdrawal.  Since they can start as quickly as 6 hours after the last drink, I wanted her to be aware that those symptoms could very well play into her time with him, and they include irritation, anxiety, high blood pressure, etc..  So, when he picks her up after work and he doesn’t seem too happy to see her, it could likely be how his body is making him feel from withdrawal and not his true emotions.

I know he loves her.  I know he wants to be a good dad.  I also know that alcoholism has him in its grip and it limits his success some days.  Oh how I hope and pray he will someday find the ability to stay sober and then work the steps.   That’s the only hope for him to be less self-centered and learn how to prioritize another person.